From Greg Enslen.com:
Events, activities and other hometown items going on in and around Tipp City, Ohio
By Greg Enslen
Catalog Fun
Last year, I had a blast going through the Hammer Schlammer catalog (I know that’s not how you spell it, but it’s funnier) and picking out the craziest gifts they had. On my recent trip to NYC, I picked up a copy of the Sky Mall magazine, that back-of-the-seat-pocket amalgamation of every cheap and expensive “gift” catalog out there. What a great place to find some super-terrific gifts for those you love…and hate! Here’s a few that I found:
- Electronic Fung Shui Compass – “This handheld electronic compass helps you find favorable energetic conditions at home or anywhere needed.” Really? I’ll remember this the next time I’m at the Dragons stadium and need to re-align my chakra.
- CatNix Workspace Partitions – This stunning technological breakthrough’ keeps your cat off your keyboard. Amazing. What’s next – flying cars? “It’s cute the first couple of times kitty traipses across your keyboard … But by the tenth time, it becomes distracting. These freestanding partitions help you stay focused on work, rather than requiring you to shoo away the cat.” Is shooing away the cat that much work? Why not just close the door and let the cat out or, better yet, don’t get a cat in the first place? The best part of this item is the picture from the catalog: it’s a computer monitor with these wing-like plastic things blocking the forlorn kitty, which is show behind them, looking sad. All he wants to do is be loved! Why do you hate kitty so much?
- Slanket and Slanket Siamese – “Snuggle up with a book or laptop computer.” OK, this obvious knockoff of the famous “Snuggie” has a different name for trademark reasons, although I’m confused by the two-person version. Sounds like a sack race—don’t pick a fight with your significant other while you’re wearing this. How can you effectively get up and leave the roof in a huff if you’re literally attached to them? If you do buy this, make sure to choose the camouflage pattern for that perfect, low-rent look. “Hey, wasn’t Cletus on the couch – I don’t see him no more!”
- Remote Controlled Tarantula – Yeah, this is a great idea. “This remote-controlled tarantula scurries across flat surfaces like an actual arachnid, moving forwards and backwards on command from up to 25 feet away. This fascinating toy measures 9 ½ inches long.” OH MY GOD don’t buy this for me. Nine and half inches long? What kind of sick, spider-loving mind thought this one up? I don’t know if a smaller version would be better—it would be smaller but more realistic. Someone needs to buy a bunch of these and just drive them around downtown Tipp. Just make sure you film it all and put it on YouTube before the police take you away.
- Canine Genealogy Kit – OK, I know what you’re thinking: “Greg made that one up—it’s all a test to see what the Gazette reader will fall for.” Sadly, it’s a real product. “This kit analyzes your dog’s DNA and identifies the breeds in its ancestry. A professional lab tests a cotton swab that you simply rub against the inside of your dog’s cheek and send to the lab.” Really? We’re so bored now that we’re studying our pet’s genealogy? I can tell you my dog Peanut’s genealogy: The Washington Post. Sam saw an ad for a puppy and bought it. Case closed. No need to involve Horatio Caine and the rest of the CSI Miami folks to solve this mystery.
- Voice Activated R2-D2 – This one is actually cool — he’s 15 inches tall and has a mind of his own. “This motorized replica of the headstrong little droid from the iconic Star Wars films responds to voice commands and navigates rooms and hallways. R2 can also replay sounds and dialog from the Star Wars movies, answer yes-or-no questions, and dance while playing the famed cantina music.” Yes please — if any Gazette readers out there are still undecided about what to get the author of their favorite column, this will do. Oh, yes, it will do just fine.
- Video Recording Sunglasses – These made last year’s list, and they’re still just as creepy. “These glasses with a built-in video camera allow you to discreetly record all that you see.” OK, if you’re getting ready to testify against the mob, I could see wearing these. But off to your kid’s soccer game and interested in filming all the attractive moms? Just say no.
Second Book is Finally Done!
For those of you who followed my recent participation in the NaNoWriMo writing competition, you know how hard it is to write four pages a day. I’m happy to say that my second book, “The Ghost of Blackwood Lane,” is finally finished! It’s taken me several years to complete, but now I’m happy to send it out into the world.
“Ghost” is about Gary, a young man who is forced to enter the witness protection program against his will, leaving behind his fiancé. Now, he lives in Los Angeles, where no one knows his real name or the fact that he can never return to his childhood home. But lately, he’s been having horrible dreams about a woman in an abusive marriage. She seems familiar, but he can’t place her. All he knows for sure is that without his help, she could die. If you’d like a copy, you can go to my website (www.gregenslen.com), or just send me a note. I have copies on hand and would be happy to autograph one for you. And thanks!
Hear something interesting for “Tipp Talk”? Visit my website at www.gregenslen.com and use the “Contact Me” page to let me know what you’re thinking. And don’t worry – I won’t quote you unless you want me to!
