It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas everywhere you go. Department stores are burgeoning with worthless doodads and advertisements for handy gadgets are flooding the media. Is there seriously anyone alive who doesn’t yet own a Chia Pet?
There have been some rather eccentric gift ideas over the years – like those vacuum sealed plastic bags to store clothing and blankets in. The idea is to stuff the bag with about 57 sweaters, hook it up to the hose on a vacuum cleaner and suck the air out of the bag. The result is a rigid rectangle of plastic and fiber, three inches high, that weighs as much as a cement slab but will slide easily under the bed. I notice that the commercials never show someone opening the bag. I envision something akin to inflating a life raft in a very small room. Not a pretty sight.
The Marshmallow Shooter was popular with college kids and juvenile minds in the office. This contraption would actually hold twenty or so large marshmallows and launch them 30 feet. I failed to see the fun in bouncing powdery, sticky stuff off of my chenille sofa and I kept thinking that I’d have to account for all of my marshmallows or I’d be sorry when the ants and cockroaches came calling.
This year is no exception for whacky widgets. Here are five of my favorites:
1. Snowball Maker
Marketed under the name “Sno-Baller,” this gizmo makes, well…balls of snow. Imagine salad tongs on steroids. To create the perfect snowball you pull the handles apart, dip the cupped ends into the snow and close the handles. The result is a snowball that will crumble on contact and doesn’t sting like a hand-packed snowball. It’s a great idea if you’re going to throw snowballs at old ladies. As an added bonus, the Sno-Baller keeps your mittens dry. Anyone with that much of an aversion to snow should just throw virtual snowballs on the Wii. Hello… the idea of a snowball fight is Arctic survival of the fittest. Red welts and stiff mittens are the badges of courage.
2. Battery-powered Eraser
This doohickey uses two AAA batteries and is touted as a gift for busy executives, students and accountants with a sense of humor. (Isn’t that last one an oxymoron?) Honestly, it rockets laziness to new heights. Erasers went out with the advent of computers; we now call those corrections “spell check.” The kicker is that while the batteries are NOT included, the package contains eleven erasers. Here’s my advice: If you can’t rotate your wrist back and forth effectively enough to use a standard eraser, you may want to see a doctor. And if you need eleven erasers to complete your task, it’s time to crumple up your paper and start over.
3. Bag Resealer
This plastic bag resealer is made by iTouchless. The idea is to slide a small, handheld unit that looks a bit like a stapler across the top of any plastic bag to reseal it. It will generate enough heat to melt the ends together and cut off the excess plastic. Potato chips and other food stuffs stay airtight. If you plan to shop in bulk and divide nineteen pounds of pretzels into smaller units for storage then this device is for you. If you have teenagers in the house that rummage your cupboards all day, you will find that your bag will have to be resealed again and again, making the bag smaller and smaller until you are forced to resort to a Ziploc. (Hey, there’s an idea!)
4. Smart Shoes
These shoes contain GPS technology and are designed to track the exact whereabouts of the wearer. They even come with a barrier breach warning (think “electronic dog fence”) and claim to be “the smartest shoes you’ll ever own.” I don’t know about the smartest, but they certainly have my vote for the most invasive. Can you say ‘Big Brother is watching’? In all fairness, GPS shoes were designed with Alzheimer patients and their caregivers in mind. If the wearer of the shoes wanders out of a predetermined area – set by the caregiver – the caregiver will receive a warning via text message. The warning message is linked to a website which pinpoints the exactlocation of the wearer.
It reminds me of a familiar apparatus from the 1990’s sold by a medical alarm company called LifeCall. Doesn’t ring any bells? How about this pitch: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” LifeCall designed a pendant to be worn around the neck. Simply put, if the wearer needed help and wasn’t near a phone, the pendant could transmit a message to a medical dispatcher on their behalf. My grandmother had one. She kept forgetting to wear it.
Like the LifeCall pendant, Smart Shoes were designed with noble intentions. But if granddad can’t remember his own name, don’t be surprised if he leaves the house wearing grandma’s pink fuzzy slippers and forgets the Smart Shoes in the closet.
5. Siri
My husband recently acquired the iPhone 4S and brought home an indefinite house guest by the name of Siri. This latest brainchild of Apple, Inc. is a cross between a genie in a bottle and a Stepford Wife. Siri is described as an intelligent software assistant that can be commanded to perform tasks such as dialing a phone number, taking a memo or checking the weather. Siri has an even-toned, female voice (at least for U.S. iPhone users) and does everything from exhibiting humor (ask her if she knows any jokes) to tacking on little buttering-up phrases like: “You’re welcome, Patrick. It’s always a pleasure.”
It is said that, over time, Siri will adapt to the user’s individual preferences to personalize such tasks as making dinner reservations and reserving a cab. Good grief. My husband walks around the house speaking to her constantly to see what she will and won’t do for him. I’m not sure that’s an act I want to follow. Then again, maybe I can sweet talk her into doing the Christmas shopping for me.
