Life Matters – Real Conversation

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“I can’t believe she said that!” This sentiment among my adult peers is becoming more and more common. I’m not referring to something said in passing at the gym or over coffee, but of a post on Facebook, Twitter or some other electronic method of communication. Even personal email – and especially texts – is not without its snags of misunderstanding. For all of our innovative ways to converse with each other, humans have moved farther away from true communication.

If you are a Google Chrome user you may have seen this message on your browser page. It is a quote from Google’s Jason Cornwell: Conversations in Gmail have been redesigned to improve readability and to feel more like a real conversation. Why does Gmail need to feel more like a real conversation? Because, in fact, electronic interaction isn’t real conversation. And therein lies the rub. Real conversation is an exchange that includes tone, facial expression, the rise and fall of pitch, gestures and give-and-take in the flow of dialogue. Non-verbal cues, light touch and thoughtful silence are also integral components. Most of us would be horrified to receive a marriage proposal over the phone because besides sounding impersonal it’s hard to believe that someone really wants to spend the rest of their lives with a person they couldn’t be bothered to ask face-to-face.

From the classroom to the boardroom interaction may be increasing but real conversation is dwindling.  “My mom calls me all the time just to chat,” a 40-something, married man told me. “I finally bought her a cell phone and told her if she’s just calling to say ‘hi’ she needs to text me.” (Of course, the tricky part there is teaching a woman who can’t program her answering machine to perfect the art of texting.)

In Oscar Wilde’s play entitled The Importance of Being Earnest, he explores the conundrum of truth versus societal conformity. Wilde (through no small amount of personal angst) argues that the latest social trend isn’t necessarily the best way to do things and the litmus test of that trend is the success or failure of the culture that it affects.

Time Magazine (April 9, 2012; Business/Game Changer, p.8) makes this statement about the advance of social networking at the office: Some 20% of companies have tried social networking, but most don’t use it well. “Often the services get thrown up across a company without any real strategy,” says Charlene Li of Altimeter Group, a social-media consultancy. “People stop using them if they feel overloaded.” Research has found that high-tech workplace communications strip away trust-building cues like eye contact and tone of voice. Now we’re getting somewhere. Take away trust, and a huge component of communication is lost.

To give due credit, the inception of e-interaction was, at its root, a wonderful way to touch base with many people at once. It was a boon to the time-consuming, longhand letter or the once-a-year Christmas card (both of which have their place). The problem is that in making ourselves instantly and continually accessible, we are often too tired to have a real conversation. After answering emails, replying to Facebook updates, “checking in” at your location and posting witty Tweets, the art of actually sitting down with another person to converse (uninterrupted) is nearly passé.

Ronald E. Riggion, Ph.D. (author and Henry R. Kravis Professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology at Claremont McKenna College) writes: “As an organizational psychologist who studies nonverbal communication, there was concern as email became more commonplace in work settings that the loss of face-to-face communication and phone conversations, with their rich nonverbal cues, would lead to communication breakdowns.”

“Although there are indeed problems with email communication,” Riggion continues, “…the use of “emoticons” (the smiley faces) has helped to put in some of the lost emotional cues.” (Psychology Today, March 11, 2012).

Real conversation, then, is more than just an exchange of  information; it is listening and being listened to, all the while gauging each other’s body language and facial expressions. Real conversation is being immersed in the moment, mentally and physically. Take these things away and the very glue that binds us together as couples, families and societal units fall away. And FWIW that’s 2FB.