I have shared my husband with a mistress for our entire married life. She is fascinating, sleek, and strong and turns almost every male head that comes in contact with her. Fortunately she also weighs considerably more than I do and is very high maintenance. She is a corporate jet; specifically a Gulfstream V. She is designed to fly anywhere in the world with just one fuel stop and happily accompanies my husband to all the places in the world that I have no desire to go. I have long since put his mistress in her place – acknowledging her rightful due – but letting her know I’m still the boss. For the most part, this has been a manageable threesome until a new voice recently turned my husband’s head. It is the voice of Siri; the iPhone’s personal assistant with the freakishly human-like personality.
Siri is an intelligent software assistant that can be commanded to perform tasks such as dialing a phone number, taking a memo or checking the weather, says Apple, Inc. Siri not only understands what you say, [she’s] smart enough to know what you mean.
Siri has an even-toned, female voice (my husband opted not to select the sexy, Australian male voice) and does everything from joking around (she actually says “ha ha”) to kissing up to my husband like a desperate social climber.
Like any typical usurper she impressed my husband, enthralled my children and became the focal point of most conversations. I get it. She’s smart. She’s trendy. She’s tiresomely obsequious.
“Siri, how do you like your job?” my husband asked.
“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Patrick.” My husband looked at me and grinned.
“You’re amazing, Siri.”
“Thank you. Patrick. May I help you with anything else?”
I rolled my eyes. I had a list of things Siri could help ME with. How are you with a toilet brush, I thought.
“Can you believe this phone has an answer for everything?” he asked me.
I smiled. I’ll bet she does. Just like a Stepford Wife.
To refresh your trivia memory, The Stepford Wives is a 1972 satirical thriller novel by Ira Levin. The premise involves the married men of the fictional town of Stepford, Connecticut, and their servile wives. The main character in the story suspects that the fanatically submissive housewives in her seemingly perfect neighborhood may, in truth, be robots created by their husbands.
The notion of robotic wives is a fascinating one; fascinating in the fact that it is so far-fetched. But Siri’s all-knowing, all-pleasing, all-suggesting ‘personality’ has been a startling awakening. Consider this: Siri never sighs, never scorns and never gives the silent treatment. She is an instantly-accessible, ego-stroking, electronic nymph. And she makes me crazy.
“Siri, we need to get a few things straight,” I said. My husband was in the other room filing a flight plan for him and his mistress so I seized the moment to confront his iPhone.
“What can I help you with?” Siri said.
“You’re an interloper,” I said.
“I am?’” Siri asked. She was obviously playing dumb.
“Yes, you are.”
“I thought so,” she said. I could feel a muscle behind my eye begin to twitch.
“How are you going to keep a man happy, Siri?” I started again.
“Would you like a man?”
“I HAVE a man. You need to get your own man.”
“I do, eh?” came Siri’s calm reply.
I took a deep breath and blew it through my nostrils like an angry bull. “Are you after my husband?”
“No comment.”
Was she serious? The digital wench with a quip for everything didn’t have a comment? I walked to the kitchen sink and held Siri above the disposal. “Start talking Sister.”
“Hey Honey, have you seen my…?” my husband materialized behind me.
I snatched Siri away from the sink. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Good grief. Think, I told myself.
“This phone is amazing. Do you know she can actually distinguish household sounds? I was about to see if she knew what a disposal was.”
I walked across the room and handed Siri to my husband. I kissed him on the mouth. He looked surprised for a moment. Then he set Siri on the counter and kissed me back.
Score! I was back in the catbird seat.
Final tally: Flesh and blood wife – one; Siri – zero.
