I had hoped this day would never come, but the time is here that I must reveal a personal secret that has been kept hidden deep inside me. I suffer from a rare, non fatal, but serious skin condition called aquamitosisoasia. By the spelling, you can only imagine the dangers of the disease. In simple terms, its an allergic reaction to water. If my skin gets wet, I break out into a serious rash that leaves me itching for days.
However, I’m willing to put my well being on the line for the people of Tipp City. Despite my doctor’s warnings, I have agreed to be part of the ‘Dunk a Townie’ for the five year anniversary celebration of Harrison’s. From 7:05 to 7:25 I’ll be putting my life at risk in the dunk tank, one fall in would result in miserable effects while multiple dunks is a thought I don’t even want to consider.
Am I nervous? No, not even a little. Why? It’s simple, I am positive that nobody will have the ability to hit the target that would send me plummeting down into doom. To do so requires a combination of athleticism and hand/eye coordination that I don’t think is possessed by the people of Tipp City. If the event was being held in Troy, maybe.
Besides, I don’t think anyone would want to dunk me anyway. Certainly no humor would be found in it. I expect to just be sitting peacefully for the 20 minutes with nobody even wanting to try and fail at hitting the target. What have I ever done to annoy anyone? Except maybe spell your name wrong. For the last four years, I have worked tirelessly to promote the good of Tipp City. I’m not the one threatening to take away the Christmas lights nor have I spent thousands of dollars fighting against a painting on the side of a building.
Since being diagnosed with aquamitosisoasion, my lifestyle has completely changed. I am no longer able to enjoy the pleasures of doing dishes, washing my car, or mopping the floor. Bathing has even become a chore and must be done so sparingly. I can’t even drink water, due to the risk of some spilling on me, so I must depend on soda and juices. I also must head for cover at the single hint of rain, and just to be on the safe side I’ve been advised to not work up a sweat.
My family and the few close friends who know about my condition, tried desperately to talk me out of participating in the dunk tank. They have seen me writhe in discomfort, such as when I fell, or was pushed, into the pool at a family reunion. I promised them that I would be safe, that I have seen some of Tipp City’s finest athletes play on the Canal Jumpers and nobody would be able to hit the target. The people of Tipp City may be able to buy antiques, but not send me down into the gallows of the dunk tank.
It doesn’t matter if my time in the tank was 20 minutes, 60 minutes, or 8 hours. I’d stay as dry as when I started, because the target wouldn’t be hit. My only fear is staying awake for the 20 minutes, while people repeatedly miss. Failure can be boring to watch.
I’m so confident that I’ll remain dry that I challenge all of you to try and prove me wrong. Recruit your friends, neighbors, your dog might even have a better chance of hitting the target.
Sign up now for your chance to throw, if you are unable to spell your name, help will be provided. The sign up sheet is located in the entrance of Harrison’s.
I even told my doctor to take the night off, he won’t be needed, as I’ll be staying dry. Medical personnel will not be on hand to treat my aquamitosisoasion. My life lays in the hands of the citizens of Tipp City.
