Pet peeves: everyday irritations, periodic vexations, the pimples on the face of a flawless day. Even if you fancy yourself a blithe soul ready to embrace the serendipity of life, you’re bound to have a closet pet peeve or two.
For example, have you ever suspected that breakfast cereal companies are in bed with superglue manufacturers? I’m either getting weaker by the day or the liner bag in my box of Cheerios has enough adhesion on it to withstand any natural disaster. For that matter, so do the bags of potato chips and pasta in my pantry. I suppose I could wrench these bags open by brute force but I prefer not to mop food off the floor every time I prepare dinner.
How about resealable freezer bags? I bought a five pound bag of chicken that has a resealable opening four inches long. Frigid drumsticks don’t exactly tumble out of an opening that small and I can barely wriggle my hand in to get the chicken. What’s more, subzero plastic isn’t pliable. Trying to line up an eighth inch ridge of stiff plastic in a rigid plastic track is laughable. I give it three tries before I reach for the twister ties.
Why can a family of four go through a gallon of milk in 2 days but leave a quarter cup of milk sloshing around in the bottom of the carton for a week? For the same reason that people will use the roll of toilet paper sitting on the back of the toilet while ½ sheet of TP flutters around the roll untouched. My advice to these folks: stop wiping your nose on the back of your sleeve and change the empty Kleenex box already.
Waiting in line is something we all learned in Kindergarten. It stands to reason, then, that anyone over the age of five – who hasn’t crawled out from under a rock this morning – knows that if several people are standing in a line, you take your place at the back of the line and wait your turn. Newsflash: the same rules apply when people get behind the wheel of a car.
In the film, Mr. Mom, Jack Butler (played by actor Michael Keaton) is laid off from his daytime job and finds himself propelled into the world of a stay-at-home mom. He bumbles along only to be met with the recurring phrase, “You’re doing it wrong!” In one classic scene he is taking his kids to school without any regard for the school’s directional drop-off procedure. He is met with honking horns, irate drivers and the crossing guard who says, “Hi Jack, you’re doing it wrong.”
So, for the record, if your coworkers drive in to the parking lot where it says ENTER and drive out of the lot where it says EXIT, take a hint. If you decide to go the opposite way, you’re doing it wrong. If you enter the circular driveway at your child’s school and there are already cars around the perimeter, you must wait behind the last car. If you pull up right in front of the building by starting a second lane of traffic (otherwise known as double parking), you’re doing it wrong. Say you are the fifth vehicle in a line of cars and the number two vehicle pulls out of line. You may NOT cut into line ahead of vehicles three and four because you’re in a hurry. Even if you don’t encounter a road rage situation, you can be sure all of the other drivers are mentally berating you and possibly cursing at you in the muffled privacy of their own vehicles. And, oh yes, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!
When my children were elementary age, the school supplies list was my number one pet peeve. Aside from spiral notebooks and Number 2 pencils the school requested things like hand sanitizer (so the students didn’t have to wash their hands in the bathroom), Clorox wipes (so the children could clean their own desks) and a bottle of Windex (so the lunchroom moms could clean fingerprints off the doors and counters). Twenty bottles of Windex? That’s a lot of finger prints. Why not get crazy and ask each child brought to bring a bottle of Lysol and a toilet brush? That way they could clean the bathrooms themselves and fire the Custodian.
While we’re on the subject of school, what is the deal with erasable pens? Since the days of feather quills, ink has been used for a document’s permanency. That’s why legal documents must be signed in ink. There exists a nifty little gadget to write with if you intend to erase something and change it at a later date. It’s called a pencil.
Like Jekyll and Hyde, pet peeves can transform even the easiest going personality into a pedantic madman. Fair warning, if you have me over for coffee and your Kleenex box is empty, I’m going to wipe my nose on your sleeve.
